Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Carling Cup 2nd Round - Swindon 1 Southampton 3


Paolo Spots His Mum in the Crowd

About a year ago, we played Swindon at SMS and I took all 3 of my kids along, one for each goal we let in.  It was abysmal and Vincent Pericard scored which makes it a bit of a low of epic proportions.  Since then, we’ve had Nigel Adkins in charge for a year and as you know, we are 2nd in the Championship whilst Swindon have just made the laughable appointment of Paolo Mussolini Nutjob di Canio as their manager and currently sit about third bottom in League 2.  When they appointed him, their main sponsor, a Trade Union, decided that their left wing tendencies didn't sit well with their club being managed by a confirmed right wing fascist.  Funny that.

The 3-0 reverse I mentioned was in the JPT and this is the slightly bigger and better Carling Cup, with a home tie against Charlton or Preston for the winner.  The build up for this match was enlightened by an interview with Matt Ritchie who seemed keen to remind everyone that he was a Pompey fan, playing for Swindon.  He obviously didn’t want to be ignored.  Let’s remind ourselves that he is an ex-Pompey player who was deemed not good enough for them when they only had 12 players.

Nigel’s team selection was interesting with a few changes but not as many as expected. Bart, Aaron Martin, Lee Holmes, Morgan Schneiderlin and Johnno Pace came in but surprisingly, Ryan Dickson and Danny Butterfield did not.  Chappers was ban free but injured and neither Lee Barnard or big Radhi were fit enough.  Most disappointing was the absence of Steve de Ridder who’d picked up a knock in training.   The 7 subs rule meant appearances on the bench for Sam Hoskins, Harlee Dean and Ben Reeves and Adam Lallana was the man wearing the armband, therefore doubling his weight.

The game kicked off with the Swindon manager saluting the Swindon Ultras (OK – I may have made that bit up).  Salute or no salute, Saints dominate from off and have their first chance on 5 minutes as a cross from Johnno Pace is met by the skipper who drilled wide due to being off balance thanks to the extra weight on one arm.  It didn’t take long for the Ultras to fall silent as Schneiderlin worked the ball out to Holmes on t he right who, remembering that he’s left footed, cut onto it and delivered a superb cross for the Gulyman to nod in from close range for 1-0.  Easy.

Morgan Schneiderlin showed his liking for boats by catching a Ferry (tumbleweed moment) and getting himself booked, possibly in 6 month old retaliation as Ferry was a right niggly little twat who got sent off in the league game at SMS.   All is forgotten though as the Gulyman threads one through for Johnno Pace to run onto and drill through the keeper who made a right bollocks of it, for 2-0.

In a typical measured response to going 2-0 down, Mussolini makes a tactical sub with a bewildered looking forward who hadn’t received a pass all night, coming off.  There were a couple more Saints chances before Mussolini’s tactical magic could pay off when Cork scuffed at a Richardson cross and saw his effort pushed wide and then Johnno Pace did his usual when presented with a heading opportunity and slid it wide off of his face.  Half time and a very good performance so far.

The second half seemed to almost be being played at walking pace as Saints settled for what they had and Swindon didn’t have the ability to make anything happen.  Occasionally some football broke out with Richardson firing in a long range left footed shot which the keeper held easily enough.  Radio Solent was playing loud and clear through the much maligned Saints Player and it was time for Merringtitus with “what we don’t want to do is let in a goal”.

With Dave being the Nostradamus that he is, we immediately let in a goal out of nowhere as Richardson challenged Kerrouche who went down like he’d been hit by a lorry, rather than by a large Northerner.  The cheating bstrd then rubbed salt in the wounds by curling an excellent free kick over the wall and past Bart before he could move.  They say cheats never prosper but they clearly do.  Didn’t di Canio once spurn a goalscoring chance so an opposition player could get treated?  I wonder what he made of that.

No matter as it was now 2-1 and suddenly from out of nowhere, Swindon had a chance of equalizing and forcing extra time which would have quite frankly been ridiculous given the flow of the game.
My Merringtitus returned with “what we don’t want.... is extra time” but we nearly had it when Clarke met a cross at the near post and slammed it wide when it looked easier to score.

Sensing that Swindon may be building up a head of steam, Nigel summoned some big players from the bench with Sir Rickie and Deano replacing Johnno Pace and Lee Holmes, the latter of which had enjoyed a really good game.  In no time it was all over as Sir Rickie found himself shrugging off the last defender and being one on one with the keeper, a quick sidestep and a roll into the empty net for 3-1, job done, time to go home.  Sam Hoskins came on for his full debut for 30 seconds and managed to get a touch before the end of the game.

Overall, this was a really comfortable win, setting up a game at home against League 1 opposition for a place in the last 16.  We really outplayed Swindon in all aspects and it was nice to read that Swindon fans as whole agreed with that.  I have a Swindon supporting mate called Ryan who was giving it the large one this time last year – haven’t heard from him since.

All the fallout from the game has centred on an incident involving Paolo the Nutter which happened straight after the final whistle.  To be fair to him, it looked like he was trying to play peacemaker and take the issue off the pitch and into the tunnel but the TV coverage focussed on him pulling his players shirt and basically making a mountain out of a molehill. The trouble is that the media are there just waiting for him to fuck up and even if it’s not his fault, that’s the way it will be spun.

It promises to be an interesting day today with the closing of the transfer window with Saints very much in the market for players.  Reading between the lines, we’re in for a centre back and a striker and we could get both or we could get none.  There have been many stories in the press of supposed deals that have fallen through for whatever reason and Neil Warnock has been his usual bell-end self and slagging us off because we didn’t sign his makeweight defender who he wanted to use to buy Jason Puncheon. So, we’ve been painted as being difficult to deal with.   The press have agendas, player agents have agendas and (surprisingly for such a shy and retiring fella) so does Neil Warnock and for a club that’s so difficult to deal with, we’ve certainly signed a lot of players over the past two and a bit seasons.

So... transfer window frenzy to come, second the league and in the third round of the cup – not bad is it? We have an international break so we can enjoy England being shite and then a return to SMS for Nottingham Forest at home.  Bring a brolly, the secretary you’re sleeping with and your best fake Dutch accent.

Monday, August 29, 2011

NPC Match 5 - Leicester 3 Southampton 2


"Don't Fancy Yours Much"

Leicester City at the crappily corporate bollocks named King Power Stadium. I have no idea who King Power is and I have no wish to know so am not wasting any time looking it up. It’s the blue version of SMS, built by the same people. When the fixtures are released before the season starts, I write down the number of points that I think we’ll get in all of the games in a kind of anally retentive way. I had this one down as a defeat and zero and despite our 100% start and their less than impressive one, I wasn’t very confident going into this game.

I found it slightly annoying that Leicester had Kasper Schmeichel in goal today. He got sent off last week and I therefore assumed that he’s miss the next league game only it doesn’t work like that. He served his ban missing a Carling Cup tie that he wouldn’t have been picked for anyway as Leicester made 10 changes. With a majority of Championship teams doing this, surely it would make sense if the league and the cups had separate disciplinary codes. When you look at the Leicester side, it’s good on paper with Premiership experienced players all over it and in Nugent and Vassell, an England international strike force. The England manager who capped these players was of course Sven Goran Eriksson who is now their manager at Leicester. For our part, we have the expected side out, unchanged in starting 11 or subs from the Millwall match.

In my world, today was driving across France day as I tried to get the family back to Cherbourg for a ferry crossing to good old Portsmouth. I noticed on the way out that Portsmouth looks ok from the water with the ships and the tower and all that. Imagine if that laughable floating football ground bollocks they came up with had actually materialised. They would have had to put some sort of protection on it to stop Saints fans throwing stuff at it from the passing ferry.

Away we go and Saints are immediately pinned back by a very determined looking Leicester side which means that you have to adopt a ‘they shalt not pass’ approach and ride it out which we totally fail to do as Fonte slips over when he should have intercepted a pass and from the resulting cross, Seaborne allows Vassell to get in front of him and flick it past Superkelv for 1-0. Shit. It’s a good finish to be fair but it should have been prevented.

It was all Leicester from then on in and Saints looked like they were going to be in for a right shoeing but us fans were given a treat a few minutes later when Skate Bastard Nugent had to go off injured to be replaced by the amusingly named Schlupp. Another 15 minutes of mainly Leicester pressure and amusing name or not, he set up the next goal by holding it up well and laying back for Wellens to clip home a superb shot from the edge of the box, impeded though he was by a lot of grass all around him with no Saints players in it. Double Shit.

I’m approaching Cherbourg at this point and the phone vibration in my pocket tells me there’s been another goal. A red light gives an opportunity to look and teach the kids some new swear words in response to Wellens’ goal and then another in rebuke of the impatient Frenchman behind me as I am a millisecond late away when the lights turn green.

Back to the King Power and it’s not looking good but now we have to attack and as we all know, we’re good at that. Harding started the move by carrying the ball forward and feeding Sir Rickie who played it to Lallana out wide where he takes on Pantsil. Now Pantsil is a Ghana international who played in the World Cup and has a few years of Premiership experience but after a couple of feints and changes of direction, Adam had left him sitting on his arse, giving himself time to pick out Harding who had continued his run. Sharp header, in at the near post for a really good goal. 2-1 and game on.

We’re still not really doing much better despite having got a goal back and back come Leicester with a Fernandes header and a free kick from Konchesky which both produce ‘one for the cameras’ saves from Superkelv.

At 2-1 down and going into half time, we had a decent shout of turning it around, especially with our habit of coming on strong in the second half. Just one more corner to defend – in it comes and Sir Rickie manages to head it past his own keeper from the bent-double position. It’s fucking ridiculous as the Leicester centre back Bamba is on his back as the ball hits the net. How the fuck is this not a free kick – ridiculous – Sir Rickie would have been less violated by a cavity search at a Columbian airport. So, 3-1 down at half time and chances of keeping our 100% start to the season are about the same as those of Sven getting a job at a club with no money to spend.

Nigel makes a change at half time with Morgan Schneiderlin coming on to replace Frazer Richardson with Jack Cork going to right back. Sven has made changes to the Leicester mindset as it’s clear that they’ve now been instructed to sit back. Some leopards never change their spots do they… remember that horrible exit for England against Portugal, Ronaldo and the winking and all that where we were 1-0 up and then Sven decided that we should try and defend our penalty area for 80 minutes. Hopefully the same result would happen here. I don’t get it, I mean, if I was playing against Saints I’d be looking at their line up and thinking ‘better going forward than defending so keep attacking’. I would not be thinking ‘sit back and let them have the ball and see if all their good attacking players can score’.

Saints take over at the start of the second half and it’s a procession towards the Leicester goal. Matt Mills is trying to win over the Leicester fans and justify the ridiculous £5million they paid for him and it’s not good when he flicks on a Lallana corner at the near post to Connolly at the back post. The little man stoops and heads in from about four inches off the ground to make it 3-2.

Saints are now dominating possession as the Sven tactical masterclass continues to unfold and Nigel throws on Steve de Ridder and Danny Fox (for the Gulyman and Harding) as it then becomes the Saints v Kasper Schmeichel show as we keep on hammering on the door to claim the equalizer. Firstly he saves well from Connolly who connects with a far post volley which looked like it was going to sneak in the near post. Then, following some really slick build up play, Lallana fastens onto a Connolly pass and tries to curl it round keeper but he sticks a foot out and saves again. The final minutes brings the final chance as Lallana connects with a cross from Danny Fox at point blank range but the bastard gets in the way again.

The game ends and we’ve lost – was always going to happen one day. Personally I’m not that bothered because we played pretty well for the second half especially and on another day, we wouldn’t have come up against a keeper having the game of his life and we’d have turned it around. Again though, there was more evidence for the case of getting in a new centre back and the way we defended in the first half was pretty average at best. Down to second in the league to be replaced at the summit by our good friends from down the coast, Brighton and Gus the Ungracious who lead us by a point. I can’t be arsed to look but I bet their web forums will be full of ‘can you keep up’ shit.

As we all know, Brighton love our manager but I thought Nigel Adkins gave an object lesson in how to accept a defeat in his interview. No excuses, no ranting at the referee, no accusing the opposition of playing like Dagenham and Redbridge - just a calm acceptance of what had occurred. When you have a manager who sees it as it actually is, like he’s actually watched the same game as the supporters and doesn’t talk bollocks and talk up his side even though they were shit (Wenger), it gives you confidence that he’ll learn the lessons required and sort it out.

Next up we have an interesting Carling Cup 2nd Round game away at Swindon, managed by Paolo Referee Pushing Fascist Saluting Nutjob Di Canio. It’s more interesting than it would be otherwise as we’ve got a home draw in the 3rd Round against either Charlton or Preston, both from League 1. Having got beat today, maybe we won’t put the reserves out but somehow I expect we will.

As for Sven, well he’d had a good day and managed to win his first home game despite nearly throwing it away with his negativity. I expect he gave Faria or Nancy or Ulrika a bell on the way home and got himself sorted. What’s not to like?

Monday, August 22, 2011

NPC Match 4 - Southampton 1 Millwall 0


Darius Henderson shows you how to play football

Disclaimer: This blog entry is not as detailed as the usual home game efforts as I was not present at St.Mary’s so it was cobbled together from witness accounts (my dad – can’t see too well), official match reports and from the comments of those who may or may not have been to the game that have been posted on web forums. Some of the web forum opinion may have come from people who are either a) 12, b) bitter and twisted or c) mentally unstable. I cannot therefore speak freely on the actions of the Chuckle Brothers, I expect they were twats though…..

Today it's the turn of Millwall to turn up to SMS and get battered, in exactly the same way as the other three teams we've played so far... at least that's what you'd think if you paid any attention to the predictions from the 'experts' who on the whole, know jack shit. What it doesn’t take an expert to know is that apparently, we’ve never won the first four games of a season and if we win today, it would be our 11th consecutive home win.

I'm no expert but I reckon Millwall will be our toughest test yet but it's certainly a test that we can pass if we play anywhere near our best. With Millwall, you know what you're going to get, their fans include some hardened nutcases which always seems to translate to the way they play. I see that they haven't beaten us since the late 80's when a lot of their fans were in their heyday, as was a certain Terry Hurlock who totally ran the midfield. I think that the walking footballer Teddy Sheringham got the winner. As for Hurlock, he had some good games for us but the highlight of his Saints career was giving David Speedie a slap on a pre-season tour. I wish You Tube and camera phones had been around then.

Since the Ipswich game we've had Morgan Schneiderlin sign a new contract, joining Dan Harding and a load of others in extending their deals. Good management by Nigel and the Don to promote security amongst the players and in Morgan's case it's a good thing to get a player to sign when he's not in the first team at the moment which kind of shows how much everyone has bought into the 'squad' ethic. I guess all the ridiculous conspiracy theories about his actually being on loan from Arsenal will now stop. Back to today and we are unsurprisingly unchanged from the Ipswich game. 

Saints piled into the attack from the first minute and won a corner which Lallana fed in to Harding on the edge of the box. We were hoping for a net bulging rasper but got a bit of a scuffer which was cleared back to Lallana who fizzed it across to where Connolly stuck out a boot and deflected it just wide.

Things were fairly even after that with first Sir Rickie and then Bouazza trying to knock the wall down with a free kick instead of going round or over it. Bouazza also broke on his own and flashed a shot across Superkelv and wide. Evenness became a thing of the past soon after as The Gulyman started a move when a bodyswerve sent about four Millwall defenders the wrong way before he picked out Sir Rickie who fed Jack Cork who played a though ball right into the Gulyman’s path and he never looked like missing, passing it first time past the keeper.

Not long after this and in a completely surprising development, the Millwall fans kicked off and stewards and cops had to actually earn the money they usually get for watching a game.

The rest of the first half was very competitive with the referee being lenient, particular with Henderson who, as we know from his Watford days, is a twat of the highest order. I admit that this opinion may have been shaped by the fact that he always scores against us. Sir Rickie had a long range effort which dropped wide and Millwall manager Kenny Jackett made what must have been a tactical substitution as the player being pulled looked really pissed off. Half time and 1-0 and all going to plan.

More subs at the start of the second half as we replaced Hammond (not at the races today) with Schneiderlin and Millwall brought on Josh McQuoid who of course, used to play for the Moaning Dorset Bastards. Siants had the first chance of the second hald after 10 minutes when Sir Rickie lined up a free kick from somewhere near the gasholders and instead of the smash that everyone was expecting, dinked it onto the head of Jose Fonte who headed down and just wide.

Millwall were in there fighting, literally in Henderson’s case but Dan Seaborne has the looks that means he wont care about a few digs in the face. He really is a dirty git though and eventually got booked for trashing Cork. In complete contracst to Henderson, Bouazza is a decent player and he again looked dangerous as he fired just wide from distance. Desperate Dan gave us one of those ‘new central defender now’ moments and was bailed out by Superkelv who was forced to claw the ball out for a corner when Dan’s clearance struck an onrushing Millwall forward.

On the hour mark, it looked for all the world that Millwall would equalize when our defensive speciality, the old ‘free header from a corner’ routine came back to haunt us and Superkelv made a great save before Frazer Richardson hacked the next shot off of the line. The increasing Millwall pressure saw Nigel haul the clearly knackered Adam Lallana off and replace him with Danny Fox, probably the most tattooed Saints player ever. This substitution and the one temn minutes later where Steve de Ridder replaced Connolly enabled Saints to regain control of the midfield and start causing some more problems of our own with de Ridder in particular forcing Millwall back with his pace in behind.

Sir Rickie ruffled a few feathers with a free kick from Six Dials which just cleared the bar with the keeper flapping and Millwall seemed to run out of ideas as Cork and Schneiderlin began to boss the show. Of course, you can never tell at 1-0 but the rest of the game passed with little threat from Millwall and that sinking feeling you often get when the opposition look like they’re in the ascendency never really occurred. Full time and 4 out of 4.

As 1-0’s go, this was a fairly comfortable win with great credit going to the manager for firstly, taking off the captain at half time and then taking off our most influential player on the hour mark. It showed a great trust in the squad as a whole and making the third sub when there’s still 25 minutes to go shows a manager who is totally confident in his convictions.

Our next 3 league games are away at Leicester and then home to Notts Forest and Birmingham. If we’re still on our winning run after that lot then we will be walking in a Nigel Adkins Wonderland. First up are Leicester with the knob that is Sven in charge – they threw a 2-0 lead today and had their keeper sent off so his replacement will be in goal against us and he looked dreadful on the equalizing goal. Bring it on.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

NPC Match 3 - Ipswich 2 Southampton 5


King of Porn Arranges his Actors
(Note the 3 on 1 action on the left)

I thought at the start of the season that Ipswich would be a severely average side but when you look at their line-up, it’s full of names. By that I mean players who you’ve heard of who are decent – on paper anyway. Forward line of Jason Scotland (Wigan in the Prem) and Michael Chopra (regular scorer in the Championship for many years). Midfield of Keith Andrews (Ireland international), Grant Leadbitter (Sunderland in the Prem), Mark Kennedy (Liverpool once up a time) and Lee Bowyer (niggly little twat). In defence they have Carlos Edwards who I thought was a winger but there you go – another name. The keeper was David Stockdale who has somehow found himself in recent England squads despite not playing any matches for anyone.

I’ve just returned from a day on a French beach, trying not to look at fat men and women with their boobs out. There was this one big fat guy in a pair of gold speedos who had a medallion on, complimenting his long ponytail, fixed to the back of his balding head. The ponytail looked like a small animal which was trying to shag the back of his head and he obviously fancied himself as a porn star, much like Paul Jewell who was in the Ipswich dugout and charged with getting his collection of names to play like a team. He went to the same Scouse finishing school as Nigel Adkins so there was a bit of Scouse Honour to be won tonight.

Saints were unchanged from the Barnsley match with Danny Fox replacing the banned Chappers on the bench. Remarkably, Saints Player was working and more remarkably, I was listening to it.

Saints started with the confidence of a team that had won their last 8 games and tore into Ipswich and it took all of 4 minutes for Saints to carve them open as Sir Rickie played a neat 1-2 with Connolly and lost Edwards who totally failed to track him (like most wingers playing at right back) and buried it under Stockdale for 1-0.

The King of Porn responded by switching all his midfielders into different positions and putting on some 70’s music but the climax came from Saints on 10 minutes as Lallana took a pass from Cork and passed to Sir Rickie who calmly curled it round Stockdale and in off the far post for 2-0.

Doctor Porn changed all his players round again but Ipswich still weren’t getting a foothold in the game and the sound of lots of fans chewing straw in an irate fashion was being drowned out by 1000+ Saints fans in magnificent voice. The Gulyman goes close, smashing a shot just wide before Ipswich have a chance when Chopra gets through one v one against Superkelv and loses. Ipswich have a few moment soon after with a half hearted penalty shout against former Tractor Boy Dan Harding and after yet more tactical fiddling, the Ipswich left back Martin gets into the area and screws a good chance wide. Ipswich have had their moments through the time honoured tradition of sticking the boot in, with Chopra, Leadbitter and Bowyer in particular being allowed by a weak referee, to get away with the frequent booting of people.

Saints Player is giving me my first dose of Merringtitus of the season, overenthusiastically pointing out the restlessness of the home crowd which is no surprise when your team is getting battered and your manager responds by shuffling the deck chairs on the Titanic (and putting up some psychedelic wallpaper). Their mood can’t have improved on 42 minutes when Ipswich are attacking and 30 seconds later it’s 3-0 as The Gulyman bursts onto a ball from Cork, dances round Stockdale and has the presence of mind to roll it back for Connolly to crash into the net for 3-0.

The sound of opposition fans on the radio yelling ‘faaaaaaacking shiiiiiit’ is one of those beautiful things. Cacophony of booing, half time and 3-0 to the boys in red and white.

Unsurprisingly, Ipswich start second half well in a ‘shit or bust’ effort to get back into the game. The King of Porn has replaced Jason Scotland with Emmanuel, Emmanuel-Thomas to be exact who is built like a large wardrobe. It’s all Ipswich and Saints don’t appear to be dealing with the onslaught very well. It’s all a bit indecisive in defence as Chopra cuts inside a weak challenge and curls a shot onto the bar. The ball is half cleared out to the edge of the box where there is another weak Saints challenge before Andrews smashes a shot in at Kelvin’s near post. It’s a great hit but ….. aargh!

Merringtitus tells us that we don’t want to concede again apparently and it’s now like the fucking Alamo and it’s no surprise when Ipswich score again as we fail to clear a ball into our box, Hammond gets flattened by the wardrobe, the ref ignores it, allowing the wardrobe to hook it past Harding on the line for 3-2. Oh bugger and a big “I told you we didn’t want to do that” from Big Dave the Insightful.

Shaken up… and so they fucking should be, Saints are back on the offensive and Harding crosses for Lallana to get in, beat the keeper but not the defender on the line.  We’re improving again and I’m getting a bit of confidence back but then Harding and Seaborne, my two favourite defenders, run into eachother and I’m momentarily convinced we will lose 4-3. Deano and Corky are beginning to re-establish a grip on proceedings and it’s time to bring a bit more solidity to things and the Gulyman is replaced by Schneiderlin.

There’s a decent chance for Ipswich to make it 3-3 when the wardrobe shoots at the near post and this time, Kelv is Super and managed to claw it out and the save achieves ‘important’ status a minute later as Sir Rickie passes to Schneiderlin who chips a wonderful weighted ball over the defence to Lallana who scuffs his volley a bit but no matter as it hits the ground and bounces over Stockdale to give us a two goal cushion again. Dave is in a Lallana wonderland and I love him again. Like I’ve said before, he’s a numpty but he’s our numpty.

Danny Fox comes on for Connolly and we now have a very solid looking 4 in midfield plus Lallana in the hole behind Sir Rickie. Michael Chopra finally achieves the booking he’s been working all game for and Richardson gets booked for delaying the resultant free kick after waiting for the referee to finally get Chopra’s card out. Cork and Hammond are totally bossing the midfield again and there’s no way back for Ipswich now but it’s not confirmed until the 93rd minute when Sir Rickie plays Lallana through to finish with ease.

We have just enough time to give Lallana a standing ovation substitution and Steve de Ridder barely has time to cross the white line to pick up his win bonus before the final whistle blows. Final whistle, end of the game and all the 28p per text updates I’m getting sent through are costing me a bastard fortune but who cares. Back to the top of the league.

Nigel was, to coin a cliché, over the moon at the end and full of praise for the attacking football on display from our players. For me though, the key was that he wasn’t happy with the defending in the first fifteen minutes of the second half and would look at that. After a 5-2 away win it must be easy to sit back and think everything is fantastic but you have to look at the negatives and try and sort them out. Both of the goals we let in were preventable so there’s room for improvement there. However, we did score five away from home against a decent side so it would be churlish to get too hung up on the negatives. As an aside, I remember as a kid reading about Saints losing 5-2 at Portman Road with Alan Brazil scoring all 5. I wonder if the big man was watching this game and whether he’d be talking about it on talkSHITE tomorrow.

I can't be alone in finding our start quite unbelievable.  I mean, I kind of hoped that the form of last season would carry on but to start like this is fantastic, especially after our years of starting appallingly.  We all know that it won't last but for now, lets just enjoy it and look forward to the next game which is Millwall at home on Saturday.  I think this will be our sternest test so far as they are a settled side too.  Their fans are always an interesting bunch as well.

The King of Porn’s reaction to the calamity was to slam his defenders for not marking. You want to try playing players in their correct positions for a start mate. After all, you’ve had a transfer window to sort it out and you can’t say that the money hasn’t been there with the ‘high wage’ players you have.

Lights, camera… ACTION!!
The door opens, in walks Paul Jewell dressed as a handyman with a toolkit
Seventies lounge music in the background
“I have come to fix the washing machine….”

Monday, August 15, 2011

NPC Match 2 - Barnsley 0 Southampton 1


It's just like watching.... this lot!

Barnsley away and a test of our credentials following the emphatic start against Dirty Leeds. We were always going to be strong at home this season but though our away record was good last season, a number of the wins came on top of not playing too well so it would be interesting to see how we got on against better opposition.

I was going to struggle to keep tabs on this game, seeing as I was in France and having the usual family holiday fun of swimming and sorting out arguments… arguments that would only intensify if the man of the house nips indoors to listen to Saints Player on the web every couple of minutes.

The team reverted to the one that played against Leeds except that Dan Seaborne picked ahead of Aaron Martin. He had somehow won the shirt back after a shit house of a performance against a League 2 side on Tuesday night but in Nigel we trust.…Aaron must have been shite in training this week. We have signed another left back to go with the two we already have but Danny Fox wasn’t considered for this game and so Dan Harding kept his place.

Despite being the newly promoted side in our first away game, Saints tore into Barnsley from the off with the Barnsley players being reluctant to pass to eachother, either picking out a player in a Brazil kit, or often a touchline. We really should have taken the lead on 10 minutes as Frazer Richardson got forward and swung over a peach of a cross to Sir Rickie at the back stick who rose above the defender and thumped a header over the bar.

It was all Saints still though and though the breakthrough was deserved, when it came it had a touch of farce about it. Cork fed Lallana who cut back and crossed into the box where a Barnsley defender headed away weakly with the keeper flapping around like a budgie. Another defender headed it up in the air, Sir Rickie piled in and headed it back across to where David Connolly met it at the back post with a header and managed to squeeze it in at the near post, straight through the flapper and a defender on the line. How the fuck did that go in and who cares.

Another goal and Barnsley would have folded but the closest we got before half time was an ambitious 40 yarder from Connolly which was comfortably saved by Flapper in the Barnsley goal. Half time and a slightly surprising comfort about the proceeding which surely wouldn’t last.

Barnsley started the second half ok but it was still all Saints as far as chances were concerned with Lallana feeding Connolly who croseed for the Gulyman to rise and head onto the ground and see it bounce over the bar. All the training manuals say ‘head it into the ground’ but that’s twice in two weeks that we’ve seen a bouncing header go over the bar.

It all goes a bit Brazil as Guly gets the ball, resplendent in his Brazil kit and curls one just over the bar from the left hand edge of the box. Barnsley need something to change and so they sent on Ricardo Vaz Te who has a stupid name but I remember him from his Bolton days when we were in the Prem and this boy can play.

Connolly has done his bit and is replaced by Steve de Ridder and he immediately twisted himself into a space and freed Lallana with a delightful reverse pass only for Adam to produce a Sunday League wrong foot finish and shank a left footed effort wide of the post when any decent contact would have brought a second goal.

Chaplow had come on for the Gulyman in a predictable effort to shut the game down but he inadvertently opened it up by clearing a ball and coming down on a Barnsley player with his follow through. The referee looked very eager to pull out the red card but when you look again, it’s easy to see why. Chappers clears it and whilst in the air, seems to straighten his leg and go for the oncoming player. When it looks like that and the fouled player ends up with a set of 6 in his bollocks then there’s only one likely outcome.

Schneiderlin comes on for Lallana in a further effort to shut things down and we still have a great chance to put the game to bed with Hammond having a shot saved by the keeper. The inevitable pressure came our way as Barnsley mustered their first shot which Davis managed to tip past the near post. Every time he saves one of those – we should be grateful.

The aforementioned crazily named Vaz Te had a great chance to equalize with the last kick as there was an almighty bundle in our box with the ball pinging about and first Seaborne and then Richardson denying Barnsley what would have been a totally undeserved equalizer. Superkelv managed to get himself a kick in the head as well but we held on to record our first away win of the season.

Personally I think this is a huge win. It proves that we can go away from home and put on a performance and win a game relatively comfortably. The only grumble is that we should really have put his to bed with a second goal, way before the final whistle. It was nice for David Connolly to get another goal and nice to read all the Barnsley fans bigging us up whilst blasting their own teams inability to get at us. Love it!!!

It’s only important at this stage because it’s us but on Saturday night we were top of the league on goal difference with Derby and Brighton also having two wins from two. Brighton won at Fratton Park with the Skates missing a last minute penalty – oh how we laughed. As it was not possible for both teams to lose, that’ll do. By Sunday night we had dropped to second with Cardiff going above us on alphabetical order. To my mind, we should be above them because at least we’re English.

Next up is a Tuesday night visit to the King of Porn at Ipswich Town. It’s great that Paul Jewell has got a job now as we don’t have to suffer him being a pundit. As pundits go, he makes Dave Merrington look like a genius. For the team it’s a big test against a side who have signed some decent experienced players in the summer including that nice man Lee Bowyer. I’d take a point now but lets go out there and try and keep the winning run going.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Carling Cup 1st Round - Southampton 4 Torquay 1


Torquay's Finest Can't Believe Bart saved his Header

Torquay at home in the Carling Cup 1st Round and a chance for yours truly to take his 6 year old to the game.  My dad, in his infinite wisdom, had bought my son one of those big foam hand things from the Saints Megastore a week or so earlier and the hand was present.  I realised what sort of evening I was going to be in for when I got hit in the face with the hand three times and we hadn’t even parked the car yet.  Usually we park on the Woolston side of the Itchen Bridge and walk across so I did wonder if the wind would send the foam hand swimming in the river but we instead parked near the ground so unavoidably, the hand was coming to the game.

Once in the ground, my lad was picking out the players in the warm up and realised that his favourite, Jose Fonte wasn’t there.  All the others were though but as it turned out, they were all substitutes with only Sir Rickie (Captain for the night), the Gulyman and Aaron Martin surviving from Saturday’s team.  David Connolly and Fonte had dropped out altogether and everyone else was on the bench aside from Jonno Pace who must have been a bit annoyed that he wasn’t playing.
The first ten minutes are kind of neutral with neither team in the ascendancy.  Firstly the Gulyman has a shot blocked following a Holmes cross and then Torquay have a similar effort blocked by Butterfield.  Torquay have a traditional ‘lower league centre forward’ in that he’s pain in the hole without being remotely mobile.  Dan Seaborne is picking him up and trying to try and tackle round him or head over him.
On 13 minutes we take the lead when Chaplow plays a simple pass to Steve de Ridder who cut in and fired it across the keeper into the far corner.  Nice finish but I’m not too sure where the defenders were.    The crowd sat back to await the slaughter and revelled in the first goal for the man from Belgium and it was almost as if the players did too, as Butterfield failed to clear when he had the chance, a cross and a free header later and it was 1-1, about 30 seconds after they kicked off.
Morgan Schneiderlin is having a positive influence on the game, showing the full range of passing, picking out Holmes and de Ridder with regularity.  He’s also getting stuck in and having won the ball back, is hacked down 25 yards out, just left of centre.  If you told Sir Rickie to take a free kick wherever he liked then it would be 25 yards out, just left of centre.  Bang, no one moves, 2-1.  Textbook, foam hand in the face.
Torquay decide to feed the big lumpy bloke up front and it’s working for them as Seaborne is having a nightmare, not winning any headers and not getting his positioning right.  He ends up in front of the ball at one point as Torquay attack and seemed to give up the chase as the two players who got back to clear were Chaplow and Schneiderlin.
The folically challenged midfield maestro is having a great game, playing a bit deeper and with more discipline than usual but still breaking forward well.  In the main, he’s the one coming short to collect the ball so Seaborne and Martin don’t have to revert to smashing it up to Sir Rickie.  Not having a great game is the Gulyman who quite frankly, looks like he doesn’t want to be there.  A few flicks and feints don’t come off and as a result we’re continually turning possession over to Torquay and making it easy for them.
Half time mainly passed with the feeding of sweets and drinks to a 6 year old and mock fights which I had to lose as I didn’t have a big foam hand weapon of mass destruction.   Portsmouth 0 Barnet 1” said the announcer to which I cheered.  “Why you cheering Dad”.  “Because they’re fu..... erm, losing to a League 2 side”.
Steve de Ridder starts the second half well with some nice skill, quick feet and showboating in general, playing the Gulyman through on goal for an expert finish, denied by a marginal (but early) offside call.  Lee Holmes has another opportunity following a layoff by Sir Rickie but his ambitious chip, clears the keeper and about 10 rows of empty seats at the Chapel End.
On 70 minutes, Hammond and Lallana come on for de Ridder and Holmes and we revert to the often maligned Diamond formation which coincides with Torquay creating a few chances, hitting the outside of a post on one occasion and on another, forcing Bart into a superb save down by the post.  It struck me that I may have to do battle with the foam hand for extra time as well as protecting the people in front of me.
Hammond (“Dad, is he Richard Hammond’s brother?”) and Lallana are beginning to run the game now and a glorious passing move break out on the pitch with Schneiderlin and Lallana combining to present the Gulyman with a sitter from 10 yards which he predictably sidefoots wide in his last action of the day as he’s immediately replace with Jonno Pace.  The sub was ready to come on anyway but to the uneducated it would have looked like Nigel had despaired at the miss and hauled him straight off.
The game is made safe soon afterwards as Chappers cuts in from the right wing and the defence was nowhere, similar to the de Ridder goal.  It looked a bit like a mishit bobbler but whatever it was, it kind of went through the keeper at the near post and made it 3-1.  Regardless of it being a bit streaky, it was a thoroughly deserved goal for our best player on the night.
The game was over now and Saints took over to attempt to put a flattering sheen on the scoreline.  Lallana strode through from midfield and crashed a shot against the bar from 25 yards before the 4th goal arrived with virtually the last kick as Chappers crossed from the right and Jonno Pace forced it home at the back post.
In the excitement of the fourth goal, a teenage girl with straight hair was accidentally assaulted by a small boy with a large foam hand, resulting in a big lump of statically charged hair sticking out from the back of her head.  Luckily, she didn’t notice though there were 3 generations of my family trying not to laugh.  Game over and into the next round and why not.  Would be quite nice to play a decent side as all the non-Europe competing Premier league sides come into the draw.  Oh yeah, Portsmouth 0 Barnet 1 so it won’t be them.
What was basically our 2nd string side made hard work of this and but for Bart’s superb save, we were looking at 2-2 and extra time and potential embarrassment.  Seconds later it was 3-1 and fine margins and all that.  I was quite impressed by Torquay’s willingness to have a go but some of their long range shooting was hilarious as at least 4 shots ended up nearer the corner flag than the goal.  As soon as we brought on Hammond and Lallana and got used to the formation change though, we cruised it really.
It was a chance today for our players to show the manager that they should be picked and if I’m being brutally honest, only Chaplow, Bart and de Ridder gave performances that would make the manager think.  Dan Seaborne probably made him think that he needs a new centre half as soon as possible.   We got back to the car in time to hear Diamond Dave eulogising about Bart’s save... “Gordon Banks, I tell you what”.   Hmmm, let me think, Gordon Banks saving from Pele, probably the best player ever, England v Brazil, World Cup 1970 in front of nearly 67,000 people and a TV audience of millions with the whole country behind him against Bart saving from Torquay's finest - Basil Fawlty, Southampton Reserves v Torquay, Carling Cup 2011 in front of about 26,000 empty seats on Saints Player Pay-Per-View.  No comparison.
Next up is Barnsley away and a return to league action as long as there are no Barnsley riots at the weekend.  I can maybe see Chappers starting at right midfield on Saturday as Barnsley away might not be The Gulyman’s cup of tea.  Whoever plays though, we go full of confidence and another 3 points would be very nice, please.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Mark Chamberlain Gets His Move


Arsenal Reserves Play at Barnet

We’ve just sold the first player who we didn’t want to leave since Markus Liebherr and Nicola Cortese came into the club with Alex Chamberlain leaving Saints to go to Arsenal for £12 million up front and £3 million later on.  The ‘later on’ is probably depending on club appearances and England call-ups etc.  We could be waiting a while for the Arsenal appearances cash to kick in but we’ll probably get the England call up money pretty soon if Tom Cleverley’s call up to the England squad, based on 45 minutes for Man Utd in the Charity Shield, is anything to go by.
£15 million – that’s mad.
The writing has been severely on the wall since he went to the national papers a couple of weeks ago with his “I’m ready, come and get me” article.  Whilst it was hardly ‘doing a Kenwyne Jones’ and going on strike, it did signal that he wouldn’t be here long.  Saints covered this with the immediate purchase of Steve de Ridder and from that point on, this deal was inevitable.  I’m glad it’s been done relatively quickly and he can leave us to it and go and take his chances at Arsenal.  Of course, there is the personal financial benefit from the move for Alex but in football terms, he’ll be playing mostly in front of 3 men and a dog at Barnet in Arsenal’s reserves whereas Steve de Ridder will be playing in front of 25,000 +  people at SMS.
Does anyone care about a player’s football development anymore?  I thought that because Alex’s dad was a footballer, he may lean towards that side more and want what was best to make Alex a better footballer but it appears that he’s the same (if not worse) than any agent who has never played the game.  Get the money and get it now.  I, of course am making the assumption that playing regularly for Saints in the Championship this year would be better for football development that 3 men and a dog at Barnet but what do I know ?  Not as much as Arsene Wenger of course.
I used to like Wenger and still did, even when he signed Theo Walcott from us.  I assumed he’d turn Walcott into a brilliant player but he hasn’t and he’s no better than he would be if he’d stayed with us for 5 years.  Wenger has also shown himself to be a complete two faced git as well – on the one hand complaining about Barcelona speaking about Fabregas when he was under contract at Arsenal, a couple of months after speaking about Chamberlain when correct me if I’m wrong, he was under contract at Southampton.  So, the next time Wenger is on the TV moaning about Barcelona / Chelsea/ Man City tapping up one of his players.... you live by the sword, you die by it my friend.  Still, I’m pleased for Arsenal’s sake that he has plugged the gaping deficiencies in his defence and with his keeper by signing a 17 year old winger to go with Gervinho, who is also a winger / striker but Arsene knows best. 
It’s a minor gripe though and I wish Alex all the best.   If he does well it will once again reinforce the message that Saints are the place to send your talented youngster if you want him to have the best chance of making it.   We have to aim to get into the Premiership so we can keep these lads a bit longer but if one of the really big clubs comes in, there’s not a lot you can do about it aside from getting as much money as you can out of them and putting it to good use, a task which I completely trust Don Nicola to do.
Saints first team will be fine as we’ve managed to win 14 out of our last 16 games without Alex due to injury.  In terms of our team right now, he’s not vital though we may have been even better with him in the side.   He was superb when fit last season and of course, will get better which is why Arsenal bought him.    On the one hand it’s annoying that we’ve had another  potentially brilliant young talent ripped away when we only got a season out of him but £15 million is a brilliant deal for us though and justifies and probably pays for all the Academy investment we’ve put in since the Lowe point...  and then some.
The same old questions come up .... will other teams try and rip us off now?, will agents try and up the deal now?  I personally think that if you are a club and/or an agent and you try and fuck with the Don... the deal won’t happen.  We’ll get the players we want on the bus, at the price we want or it won’t happen.  It’s as simple as that.  Personally, if we only get a centre half with the money then I’ll be delighted as I’m happy enough with the rest of the squad.
Jack Cork summed it up better than I ever could when he tweeted ...
“all the best to Chambo on his move... he’s going to miss a great season with us tho”
Jack knows best.
Hmmmmm.... money...

Sunday, August 7, 2011

NPC Match 1 - Southampton 3 Leeds United 1



"You mock-a ma picture, I kill you"

A new season here at last and cautiously optimistic.  It was a least certain that we wouldn’t go into it looking like a bunch of strangers like we usually do in the first match as we have the same manager and by and large, the same players.  The sun was shining and Leeds were in town with a very large and loud away following which was nice, having got used to the Hartlepool and Dagenham Massive over the past two years.  The pitch and the ground looked magnificent but all paled into insignificance next to the cover of the match programme which was the soon to be legendary photo of Don Cortese looking cool as fuck.  I want it on a t-shirt.  I want a Don Cortese action figure.  I want it on one of those cut out things you see in fairgrounds so I can stick my head through it and have my photo taken – I want to be that cool and hard.  I was in the ground with 20 minutes to kick off and the Chuckle Brothers weren’t there.  Hopes of them moving seats were in my mind.

It was a bit of a surprise when the team was read out and Aaron Martin was in the side as Jose Fonte’s partner in defence.  I guess Nigel really was annoyed at the way Seaborne and Jaidi played at Yeovil.   Richardson took his place against his former side in preference to Butters and the rest of the side was as predicted.  None of the old folk around me in the Kingsland Old Peoples Home had died in the past three months and all were present and correct.  Five minutes to go and still no Chuckle Brothers.

I was resplendent in last season’s sash kit and it as really noticeable how many of the new shirts were on display, especially in the Northam End.  No wonder they change them every year now.  Whilst I was pondering the sales and marketing plans of the commercial department of SFC, the Chuckle Brothers arrived, bollocks.  It’s like being on a train when some complete nut job gets on (usually at Havant) and sits next to you – that sinking feeling, only at SMS you cannot get up and move or pretend that it’s your stop and you’re getting off.  I await the first whine and painfully unfunny comment of the season.

The first whine comes from Robert Snodgrarse when Dan Harding has the temerity to challenge him for a header.  It can’t be a good sign when you’re berating a linesman after about 2 minutes.  Leeds are playing in the time honoured tradition of all Leeds teams down the years and leaving the foot in whenever possible and then there was Michael Brown.  He’s hasn’t been a footballer for six months while he waited for his Skates contract to run down and despite signing for Leeds and training with them, he still isn’t a footballer, he’s just a thug, ignoring the ball and booting whatever Saints player happens to have it.  The referee really should have booked him after about 5 minutes for clattering Jack Cork but in his wisdom decided to let it go.

Saints are withstanding the rough stuff pretty well and getting on with it but Leeds had a decent chance on 8 minutes when Harding allowed his winger a free header and the ball fell for Howson to smash straight at Superkelv who got a bit lucky when the rebound was cleared.  The season was up and flying two minutes later though when The Gulyman fed a clever pass infield to Hammond who charged towards goal as the Leeds defenders backed off.  When they closed him down it was too late and left foot, bang, 1-0 flying inside the near post.  Get in.  Deano first showed us his dodgy goal celebration drop kick v Bournemouth last year and it really hasn't improved.

Fifteen minutes later we were all in a semi dreamland as Sir Rickie fed in Lallana who cut back inside hopeless donkey Andy O’Brien and curled a shot past Lonergan and in off the far post.  A minute later and it’s nearly 3 as Lallana got on the end of a Gulyman pull back only for Lonergan to come flying out and smother the shot.

Shellshocked Leeds were trying to feed Max Gradel at every opportunity and he looked like he had the pace to worry Richardson but Saints were working hard and in the main denying him the room and Superkelv remained largely untroubled in our goal.  It’s amazing how he can be untroubled by 11 opposition players but get tied in knots by a football which he has to kick in the vague direction of one of our players.  Hoof… throw in, hoof…. goal kick.

The remainder of the first half sees Aaron Martin improving and winning his headers cleanly and Frazer beginning to get to grips with Gradel.  Harding had got Snodgrarses mind off the game as he was still in linesman attack mode.  Michel Brown, having committed about 5 fouls, finally got the booking he deserved when he mouthed off.  Half time and it really couldn’t have gone any better which you could tell by the fact that the Chuckle Brothers hadn’t annoyed me even once.  There was nothing to moan about.

There were threats at the start of the second half, firstly from a bastard great black cloud that caught the floodlight operators out and secondly from Leeds through Gradel when he theatrically fell to the ground under a challenge from Cork and went into full ‘child lying on the floor in Tesco, beating his hands on the floor while his mother walks off’ mode.  It’s embarrassing but not embarrassing enough for the ref who sees neither the fall or the hissy fit as being worthy of a booking.

Gradel’s mood didn’t improve five minutes later and it’s 3-0 with Connolly playing a 1-2 with Lallana and sidefooting a lovely strike across Lonergan and into the far corner.  It’s class of the highest order, just a brilliant finish.  Like an old flea-ridden mangey dog that has no further function or purpose, Michael Brown was put out of his misery and substituted as Leeds now needed players who had the slightest chance of making a positive contribution.

Leeds day is going from poor to abysmal and even the magnificent backing given by their fans changed when the once promising Darren O’Dea swings in a free kick which doesn’t go within 20 yards of a Leeds player before going for a goal kick.  ‘What the fuck is going on?’ ask the Leeds fans and who can blame them.  O’Dea responds by continuing to be crap and have a big tantrum at the linesman, all foot stamping and arm waving and again the ref decides to ignore it.

Steve De Ridder was the first player summoned from the bench to replace Connolly and he went up front with Chappers coming on for the Gulyman, I assume to try lend Richardson a hand with Gradel.  Leeds had a chance when the once highly rated Paynter was played clean through with a ball over the top.  Looking miles offside he bore down on Superkelv before being possessed by the ghost of Bradley Wright-Phillips and tamely hitting it at the keeper.

The referee underlined how poor he was by almost randomly booking a few Leeds players when he really should have booked them for their offences in the previous 70 minutes. Schneiderlin came on for Hammond who had had a very influential match as Saints looked to try and play the game out.  Even so, we had a couple of chances for 4-0 with first Martin heading into the ground and watching it bounce over the bar and then a Lallana-Chaplow break ended with the follically challenged midfield maestro smashing in a shot which Lonergan did well to tip onto the post.  There was a half should for a penalty from the rebound as Chappers got to it first and was bundled off it.  Undeterred, Chappers got up and tried to prevent the full back clearing it an nearly took out the linesman with a slide tackle,

A slight bit of gloss was taken off the result with a shit decision from a linesman to award a penalty against Aaron Martin for deliberately and maliciously blocking the ball with his chest.  Complete bollocks but regardless, Gradel stuck the penalty away with ease.  We kicked off and it was all over.  Piece of piss this Championship lark.

We couldn’t have asked for better than that really as a first game and 3-1 in truth, flattered Leeds.  We were really just playing out the last 25 minutes but we still had chances to score.  Of the debutants, Jack Cork did exactly what I expected and was clam and classy on the ball with the ability to put a foot in when necessary.  Steve de Ridder looked good in patches but it’s hard for a forward to come on when the team is not really busting a gut to get bodies forward from midfield.  It’ll be interesting to see him in his natural right wing position.  I thought Aaron Martin did really well aside from one wobbly moment in the first half when he gifted the ball to Leeds in our half but he improved as the game went on and the only way he’s going to continue doing that is by playing regularly – who knows how good he can be ?  Sir Rickie had a great game as a target man without really looking like scoring himself and it was all positive in truth.  If you can find fault in that performance then you really haven’t seen too many of our other first day performances.  The moan that I heard most often as I left the ground was due to the non-appearance of Chambo on the bench.  Of course - he'll be leaving as soon as possible.  I can't be arsed to get worried about it any more.

In truth, Leeds were poor and had nothing up front so lets not get too carried away.  They won’t be the worst side we play at SMS this season either though.  What we need now is a first away win and Barnsley away next Saturday has got to be a decent chance of at least a point.  Before that though it’s Torquay in the Carling Cup when I fully expect to see a side of fringe players hopefully, keep the winning habit going.

All aboard the bus…


The Moment the Season Started....

Friday, August 5, 2011

Championship Club-by-Club Preview Sort of.


9th.....?  Piss Off !!!

OK here it is.  I started to write this and realised that I don’t know a lot about a number of the sides in the Championship.  Undeterred I battled on until the point where I’d really had enough.... Predicted finishing place is in brackets so this can be used as a stick to beat me around the head with at the end of the season.  For the record, last year I picked Brighton as an outsider to do well along with Sheffield Wednesday (not good) and Plymouth (who got relegated and went into administration) so anyone who puts any money on, based on what I’ve written here is a fool.
Here we go....

Barnsley (24th)
Not a good start as I know nothing about them really.... errr Darren Gough and Dickie Bird.  Not expected to survive last season and everyone’s favourites for relegation again this season.  That’s last place taken care of.
Birmingham (12th)
Along with Pompey (3 times)...another great failure of the Fit and Proper Persons Test as Carson Yeung takes over and within a year, is arrested and accused of money laundering, all his money is impounded, leaving newly relegated Brum somewhat in the brown stuff.  Have lost many players and you would expect them to lose a few more and with the cash flow problem, will they be able to rebuild?  – also, administration can’t be ruled out.  Could probably finish anywhere between 3rd and 24th so I’m going for a kind of average position.


Blackpool (6th)
After entertaining many last year, they sunk back to the Championship and now Ian Holloway has it all to prove again, after working miracles in his first season there.  No Charlie Adam or DJ Campbell who were their two major players in the Premier League and unbelievably, they let Saints legend Jason Euell go.  However, (sing) “they’ve got Brett Ormerod, they’ve got Brett Ormerod” and most of the rest of their squad from last season.  A lively and relatively successful season awaits I think with Holloway regularly lurching between ‘amusing’ and ‘dickhead’.    Interestingly, he’s been under no real pressure since he joined Blackpool (they weren’t expected to go up in his first season and they were expected to go down in his second) but he probably will be this season so the latter option may come to the fore more often.  Premier League, you’re having a laugh!!!
Brighton (14th)
No one else seems to have picked up that their results against the top 6 last season were poor, suggesting that they efficiently beat all the League 1 rubbish but struggled against better sides.  Welcome to the Championship which by definition, is full of better sides.  Maybe we’ll see a few more Gus meltdowns like the one he had against Saints.  As Saints fans will remember, the new ground thing can work both ways – if you don’t win there for a while then it becomes an issue and other teams will prefer playing there to the Withdean, mind you, I’d prefer playing on the Veracity Ground with all the dogshit, than playing at the Withdean.  Craig Mackail-Smith is an outstanding buy for them though and if he fires, they’ll be comfortable.  The loss of Elliot Bennett will be felt though as he provided a fair number of both goals and assists last season.  Could really struggle if Poyet gets poached but for this season at least, I think that’s unlikely.

Bristol City (19th)
They seemed to throw a fair bit of money at it last year and were expected to challenge for the playoffs at least but didn’t really do anything much.  With David James in goal and Nicky Maynard up front (if he stays) they’ll stay out of trouble just about.  As you can tell – I don’t know much about them other than that.


Burnley (11th)
I thought they’d challenge the top 6 until they failed to match our bid (or even bid at all)  for Jack Cork who had been on loan there for 18 months.  They’ve also managed to lose Tyrone Mears and Chris Eagles to Bolton for next to nothing as they’d allowed them to get into the last year of their contracts.  I hope they still have Chris Iwelumo who is the stereotypical lower league centre forward, awkward and a handful but with no discernable ability whatsoever (see Ade Akinbiyi, Dele Adebola, Darius Henderson, Steve Howard, Fatboy Parkin, Alan Lee, Clive Platt).  Eddie Howe is their manager and he has a big reputation for what he achieved at Bournemouth despite being a moaning whining depressing git who is full of excuses.
Cardiff (10th)
When Cardiff lost in the playoffs, I received a text from a Cardiff supporting mate of mine which said ‘Players being given parachute training in readiness for next seasons freefall’.  I can’t quite see them being that bad but Dave Jones has gone and been replaced with Malky McKay and there are signs that they’re not going to throw as much non-existent money at it this year.  They did a mini-Pompey last year – nearly went bust, chose not to pay their tax, then borrowed Craig Bellamy for ridiculous money per week.  Have lost Bellamy, Bothroyd and Chopra so a season of consolidation probably awaits.


Coventry (22nd)
SISU took them over instead of taking over Saints and they haven’t done too well out of it and seem to be struggling financially.  A rookie manager in Andy Thorn and good players leaving the club sounds like a recipe for a poor season.  Lukas Jutkiewicz is still there despite being linked with Saints this summer but overall... going down.
Crystal Palace (20th)
Another club treading water desperately trying to stay out of League 1.  They have however, recently survived having Whisky George Burley as their manager so if you can survive that, the omens have to be good for this season.  Neil Danns has gone and it’ll be tough but I reckon they’ll stay up just about.


Derby (17th)
Err is Nigel Clough still the manager trying desperately to cast off the shadow of his father ?  Robbie Savage?  Retired.  Nothing to see here – very average and their fans are .... interesting.
Doncaster (18th)
I hope Billy Sharp is happy at Donny.  That is all.  In fact, I like Sean O’Driscoll and the way his teams go about things and play decent football.  They are probably destined to always either be in the Championship or League 1 but I think they’ll stay up this year.  O’Driscoll learnt his trade at Bournemouth in a time when we were all still friends and they didn’t give it the large one because they were in the same league as us for the first time in 50 years. 


Hull (15th)
I can’t think about Hull without thinking of that perma-tanned knobhead Phil Brown on the pitch, either singing or doing that pointy finger thing with his players.  Nigel Pearson is in charge now and obviously doesn’t go for that approach at all, nor the approach of Jimmy Bullard who despite being on a reported £50k a week, is persona non grata at the club after a pre-season incident.  I wonder what it was.  I predict they’ll do ok without pulling up any trees.
Ipswich (13th)
Paul Jewell, King of Porn, steadied the ship last year and has been busy in the transfer window, notably by shipping out Connor Wickham for a ridiculously hefty £9 million.  He’s brought in experience in Lee Bowyer and Michael Chopra and they’ll be solid but not spectacular.  It’s a hard thing to achieve but I reckon Ipswich will manage to be nowhere near the playoffs and never in danger of going down at any point of the season.  It’ll be nice for them not having to play Norwich this season as they got some complete shoeings last year.


Leeds (4th)
Did surprisingly well last year and there’s no real reason to assume they won’t be good again this year.  There’s a worry that they concede too many goals and with Ken Bates there, you can never be too sure that stability will remain but once they get going they’ll be difficult to beat, especially at Elland Road which is the most intimidating ground I’ve ever been to.  First game for us and their strikers are all injured though we and the rest of the division will still have to watch out for that stroppy little git Max Gradel on one wing and Robert Snodgrass on the other who are very good players.
Leicester (3rd)
Sven Goran Eriksson, possibly the biggest charlatan in the history of football has once again found himself at a club with loads of money and boy is he spending it, wedging out ridiculous amounts in fees, wages and secretaries.  They’ll be expecting to win the league and along with West Ham, will be the team everyone wants to beat this year.  Hopefully enough teams will beat them to consign them to the playoffs where they will hopefully have a penalty shoot-out exit.  However, with players signed like Mills, Konchesky, Pantsil, Nugent and St.Ledger to go with the decent players he had last year– if Leicester fail to go up then the rest of the world will know that Sven is a charlatan as well, he’ll get sacked and no doubt get a job in Dubai or somewhere else with money and secretaries.


Middlesbrough (5th)
Managed by Boro legend and all round nice guy, Tony Mowbray, Middlesbrough spent the second half of last season recovering from the Strachan experiment and this season will be looking for a playoff spot at least.  In Boyd and MacDonald they have a potent enough strike force which should tear the rest of the division a new one.  Mind you, it won’t be as easy as playing in the SPL will it lads.  I can’t help but associate them with Gareth Southgate who is one of the most boring men I’ve ever seen on TV even though he’s long gone.
Millwall (7th)
No one like us, no one like us etc.  West Ham don’t like you and nor do the Police who are going to be on duty at those games.  I was surprised at how well they did last season coming straight out of League 1 via the playoffs and should act as the real role model for Brighton and Saints, rather than Norwich who were a freak of nature last year.  I don’t see why Millwall won’t be decent again this year and can see them being in the playoff shake up.


Nottm Forest (2nd)
Billy Davies was fired when Forest got knocked out in the playoffs last year which is what he seemed to be aiming at in every interview he did.  He’s been replaced with Steve McClaren who is a decent enough manager, despite several high profile occasions when he’s come across as a complete idiot.  The brolly thing, his whole England career, the Dutch accent interview  etc etc.  McClaren can’t afford another failure on his CV in this country so I expect him to do well and for Forest to be real contenders for an automatic promotion spot.
Peterborough (21st)
No one likes Darren Ferguson do they, apart from his Dad... and maybe his mum?  They’ve lost their main goalscorer and I still think they’ll leak like an Old Peoples Home in the summer.  If they plug the leaky defence then they no longer have Mackail-Smith to run the forward line on his own so I see nothing but pain for them and Ferguson.  Will be aiming for 4th bottom and as long as they make a relatively decent start, have a decent chance of making that with their predictable raft of Man Utd loanees from Dad.


Portsmouth (16th)
Whilst it will surprise no one that I don’t like them and think they’re a disgrace to football, the Skates will be ok.  Steve Cotterill is a good enough manager to ensure they stay afloat, even if they have to do it with a squad of 16 and beg, steal and borrow all season.  It is odd though that we are one day from kick off and they have I think, 16 players, one of whom (Kanu) is 104 years old.  They got away with it last year due to relatively few injuries but the players they have all seem to be uniformly over 30 so I guess they can’t rely on that again.  Problems could arise if Cotterill leaves for whatever reason but for now, they have a good enough first XI to survive.  Can’t see it being much more than that though but I do look forward to the Derbies against them and the banter with my Skate mates. Bastards.
Reading (8th)
Surprised many by being so strong last year under Brian McDermott but as is often the case if you have a near miss, your best players are pinched with Matt Mills going for £5 million to Leicester (yes, that Matt Mills who we sold for £250,000 and played Calum Davenport instead) and no one seriously expects Shane Long to be there after the transfer window has closed.  Even if Long does go, they’ll still have enough to be comfortably in the top 10.  I like Jimmy Kebe on the wing who will beat 9 players and then fall over or ignore all his team mates and lash it over the bar.


Southampton (9th)
I think we should be aiming for a playoff spot and it should be considered a good season if we finish in the top half.  I do worry about our defence and keeper which is a bit odd considering we let in so few goals last year which can partly be explained by the fact that especially at SMS, a lot of teams just came for a 0-0 and didn’t attack at all.   When we did let in goals, they were often very poor ones from a defensive point of view.   Jose Fonte really has to lead by example this year but I can’t help but feel that we need another addition at centre half.  Kaspars Gorkss has been mentioned and he’d be ideal having had the experience very recently   As I’ve said before, Davis and Harding worry me and they need to step up.   I think we’re fine in midfield and attack and I’m particularly looking forward to seeing how Sir Rickie responds to playing in the highest standard he’s played in.  For what it’s worth, I think he’ll do really well.  Last year I picked out Lee Barnard as the man to have a big season and if he hadn’t gone drinking that night, then he would have done.  He did pretty well anyway but the player I think will stand out this season is Guly do Prado.  I’m sure he’ll get moved around again from the wing to the point of the diamond, to centre forward but having settled in England and got used to the English style of play, I expect more of his undoubted ability to come through on a more regular basis.  I also expect that he’ll still look like a giraffe on roller skates at times.  The unknown quantity this year is of course Steve de Ridder and any two out of him, Lallana, Chambo (if Liverpool lend him back to us) and Jason Puncheon (ha ha ha)  on the wings will make sure we’re an exciting team to watch.
Watford (23rd)
Had a highly rated manager and a highly rated centre forward but Malky McKay went to Cardiff and Danny Graham went to Swansea.  They now have a rookie manager in Sean Dyche and I can see nothing but struggle for them.  Do away fans still sings that ‘Don’t bend down when Elton’s around’ song at their ground ?


West Ham (1st)
The dildo boys seem hell bent on throwing money at it to try and get the Hammers back into the Premier League.  It really does seem to be a shit or bust effort though and I can’t imagine Karren Brady selling the business plan to Alan Sugar on The Apprentice.  They’ll succeed because of the manager they’ve put in place in Sam Allardyce and should start next season in their new Virtually Free Stadium in the Premier League.  I look forward to more fan protests as the Boleyn Ground’s time draws near...  Derby Days with Millwall should be a laugh too and like Leicester, it will be funny if they don’t go up.
So there you have it… West Ham and Forest to go up, Coventry, Watford and Barnsley to go down, Saints to finish 9th…. Some days I’m optimistic about us, other days I’m not so…. 9th is an average I guess.  Tune in after the Leeds game when I will have adjusted us to 1st or 24th.

Bring it On.  Again.