Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Premier League Match 13 - Southampton 4 Everton 1


Williams Decides to Jump, Two Seconds After the Ball Hit The Net

We all like to think that we are good at predicting things regarding Premier League football but the fact remains that most of us are complete shite at it. I am certainly in that category and so is anyone else who hasn't made millions betting on the football. No matter how shite you are at predicting outcomes, no one would be predicting that a game between fucking boring Southampton and absolutely crap Everton would be anything other than completely dull. There was a chance I guess that both teams would be so bad that it was somehow end up being entertaining as the crapness cancelled eachother out but it was unlikely. We can't score  and nor can they.

Everton's demise this season has been lamented by some but for the Saints fans with memories longer than 18 months, seeing Everton struggle near the bottom of the league has been fucking hilarious. To anyone who remembers the summer of 2016 when Ronald Koeman left to join Everton and anyone who was on the receiving end of the tirade of gloating and abuse that came down from Merseyside - it is positively delicious that they are crap and Koeman has been sacked. Everton had this reputation of being the “peoples club” and of being classy and of doing things the right way but the fact remains that as soon as they got with of massive investment from Fahad Moshiri, a lot of their fans forgot themselves completely and became no better than your average Liverpool, Chelsea or Manchester City fan in basking in their wealth and talking like Billy Big Bollocks and losing any trace of humility.

The powers that be at Everton were obviously not ready to handle having loads of money to spend either, as they pissed it away. First of all they signed Wayne Rooney for sentimental reasons and then they signed Gylfi Sigurdsson from Swansea because they wanted to make a statement about how big the dick was that they were waving around these days so they overpaid massively and spent £45 million. It didn't seem to occur to anybody that Rooney and Sigurdsson play in exactly the same position and they also still have Ross Barkley and they also have Davy Klaasen who they paid a fortune for at the same time.  So, they signed 3 players to replace their best player who they didn’t sell in the end.   They of course sold their 25 goals a season striker and didn’t replace him.  Basically, they should never have signed Rooney because doing things on sentiment never works and once they had, they should not have signed Sigurdsson even though he is a decent player but the desire the wave the dick around was strong. Elsewhere in the team they overpaid for Michael Keane and they even overpaid for Cuco Martina even though it was a free transfer. Cuco is so shit that he is the sort of player he should be paying £2.50 subs a week in order to get a game.

After Koeman got sacked, they appointed David Unsworth as caretaker manager.  David Unsworth doesn’t look like the ex-Everton player of the same name but he looks like he’s eaten him.  Joey Barton, now residing in the media whilst his betting ban runs down, describes Unsworth as similar to a fat PE teacher it was basically not at all qualified to be in charge of a Premier League football team. No I don't always agree with Joey Barton but this description is pretty much spot on.

Everything has been relatively quiet at St Mary's during the week as everyone digested the full horror of the performance against Liverpool. There simply had to be changes this week as this game against Everton was absolutely vital with a sure-fire defeat against Manchester City coming up in just three days time.

So a Sunday at 1:30 PM kick-off. What a pain in the fucking arse that is. My commitments as coach to my sons Under 14 football team meant that I was in Chandlers Ford for a 12 noon kick off.  In theory, the game should be finished at about 1:20 and then carnage to get St Mary's to see hopefully some of the first half.  In the event, I managed to blag a lift and we left Chandlers Ford at about 1.25pm, radio on and here is the team news. The name of Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg was the first one that jumped out as he been picked to cover for the suspended Oriol Romeu. The other headline news was that Charlie Austin was given his first start of the season. To be honest, he's not looked great in any of his substitute appearances so far this season but with the team having a lack of goals, why the fuck not? Nathan Redmond had dropped to the bench but bombproof Tadic had survived again despite an absolute shithouse of a performance up at Liverpool. Also, at long last, it seems that Pellegrino has decided to ditch the centre back rotation and so it's double Dutch with Hoedt partnering Virgil.

With JWP in the side you at least always feel that there is a chance from a set piece and that’s the first action as he swings one in and it causes carnage, hits Jagielka and bounces off forcing Pickford to save.  Another set piece, a corner this time and the ball drops to Austin who volleys over on the stretch

(I’m in Stoneham - "what's the best way then?")

Saints are trying to play at a higher tempo it seems with Hojbjerg putting himself about strongly.  We’re also playing with confidence and zipping it about which brings it’s own dangers and so it proves when Tadic attempts to pass first time back to the midfield and succeeds only in giving it to Lennon and the ball eventually gets worked to Mirallas who fires wide.

(Swaythling by-pass, North – “what’s the speed limit down here?”)

In the main though it’s all Saints with Hojbjerg and Davis ruling the midfield against Gueye and Schneiderlin.  Hojbjerg sprays a ball from left to right to Cedric who plays a give and go with JWP.  Cedric is 2nd favourite for the return ball but he uses every bit of his 5 foot nothing, 7 stone frame to shove Sigurdsson off the ball and cross to where Austin slides in, like a bloke desperately trying to make last orders before the pub shuts and diverts it onto the post and wide.

(Empress Road Industrial Estate – “I bet the bastard train gates are down”)

Everton attack through Jonjo Kenny on our left and Boufal is working back strongly to win the ball off him near the goal line and play it out to Hojbjerg.  He eventually gets it to Austin, back to Bertrand on the left as we break and Bertie curls a lovely low first time ball behind the defence to Tadic who sorts his feet out and rolls the ball through Pickford and into the net.

(Mount Pleasant Train Gates – “where’s the fucking train”, “come on for fucks sake” etc)

The nearest defender to the opening goal was Leighton Baines who I’ve always thought was a crap defender but he’s pulled up so he has to go off and replaced by a really crap defender in Ashley Williams.  Old, slow and shit and not going to the World Cup.  The Everton reshuffle gives them 5 at the back with Lennon playing right wing back sort of. 

(We now arrive at the stadium – a steward outside has to unlock a big door to let us in.  A whole row has to stand up to let us get to our seats – my son is a full kit wanker in match kit – I think people understand why we’re late)

Meanwhile on the other side, a decent Saints break ends up with Davo cross and Michael Keane playing basketball as it bounces down off his outstretched arm.  I don’t know all the nuances of the handball rules these days but his arms are way away from his body and that should be a penalty.  The rules have been unclarified so many times now, the powers that be have succeeded in confusing everyone so no one gets angry any more.  We should score again as a JWP corner, won after Schneiderlin dallied in possession, skims off the head of Virgil and wide.

44 minutes and out of fucking nowhere, we overplay at the back, lose it on the left and the ball gets fed into Sigurdsson who turns away from Virgil and then arcs a superb shot over Fraser and it hits the bar, then the post, then bounces up onto the underside of the bar and then drops into the corner of the net.  Fuck off… great goal but they’ve done nothing to deserve that and the only reason he was there and not stranded out on the left was because Baines got injured.  Lucky bastards.

Half time and it’s disappointing to be going in at 1-1 but none the less, we’ve played well and it’s light years better than the Burnley performance to name but one.  All I want at the start of the second half is for us to come out with intent and that we do and it takes five minutes to retake the lead as we build down the left and Boufal pulls out a lovely lofted chip to put Bertrand in on the left behind Jagielka and his cross is met by Austin in front of the near post but he flicks his header back and it crashes off the underside of the bar and in before Pickford can move.  Get in there.

There is no response from Everton and we carry on looking dangerous, again bulding down the left which seems to have ground to a halt as Tadic fannies about with it but he gets a lucky break and is in again behind Jagielka and he has time to put over a delicious left footed cross and Austin has once again evaded the defenders and this time it’s a simple header down and into the net, so simple that he didn’t spill his pint at all. 3-1 and we might be onto something here.  Crosses into box to striker who can head the ball.

Over the next fifteen minutes or so, Everton have their least pathetic spell of the game but we look strong at the back with Hoedt and Virgil looking commanding and even Fraser looks confident.  Tadic and Austin are eventually subbed for Lemina and for some reason we’ve decided to play with a false-striker as Long is coming on.  Long has been brought on because of the extreme anti-pace in the Everton back 4 and it nearly works as Hoedt hoofs a clearance out to the left, Jagielka fucks it up and Long burns him up, cutting in from the left and actually getting a curling effort on target which Pickford pushes wide.  He should have passed to JWP who had a tap-in but never mind.

With 5 to go, Yoshida is on for Boufal, meaning we’ve gone to 3 at the back which is interesting for future plans and we put it to bed in the last minute as JWP plays the ball to Cedric on the right, takes the return pass with a superb bit of control and sends it in to Goal Machine Steve Davis who takes a touch and then rips a right footed shot across Pickford and into the net.  It’s all a bit surreal, 4 goals from open play and Davo smashes one in from the edge of the box.

I haven't had many opportunities for a while to write about an enjoyable game but that was really an enjoyable game, even though I only saw 65 minutes of it. I saw more enterprising attacking football in those 65 minutes then I've seen in every game I've watched for the last year. We really were excellent all over the park with a higher tempo and some threat at the end of our build up play. At the centre of it all was Pierre Hojbjerg who totally bossed the middle of the park, winning tackles headers and basically never wasting a ball. It makes me laugh to think that two managers have pissed around trying to make a defensive midfielder out of Steve Davis and JWP, when we've had Hojbjerg sat in the wings, waiting for a chance.  The biggest compliment I can pay there is that we didn't miss Romeu or Lemina at all today.

Now Charlie Austin isn’t everyone's cup of tea and I still have a few reservations about the guy but he is the most suitable forward for the way that we play. Its fucking obvious but if you are going to put crosses into the box that you need someone who at least has a decent chance of heading the ball and hitting the target. Charlie certainly knows where the goal is. His first goal was a brilliant almost instinctive header and the second goal was easy but it wouldn't have been easy for either of our other strikers so full marks to the big guy and let's just hope we can stay fit and get fitter.  I've said before that when he comes on as a substitute he looks like a drunk lurching around an empty pub at closing time but starting the game seem to have some sort of psychological effect on him as he looked like a proper player from the first whistle.

Another fringe player who got a chance today was JWP and he had a superb game on the right hand side both helping the defensive effort and getting good crosses into the box. Every time I see him taking corners and free kicks I think that we simply have to find some place for him in the side because he said he's delivery virtually warrants that on its own. Whilst he didn't score or directly assist, Sofiane Boufal played like a genius and the run of games is certainly benefiting him.   The little touches and flicks were spot on and, the best of which being the deft chip over the defender to help set up the second goal.  It was an improved performance as well from Ryan Bertrand at left back who created two goals, was a constant threat and most surprisingly, actually looked happy to be out there.  Cedric on the other side of the pitch certainly looked very determined today never illustrated more than when he barged Sigurdsson over before putting over the which Austin hit the post with.

The slight caveat to all of this praise is that Everton were fucking atrocious. It's not that they've got bad players… actually scrap that… they do have some bad players like Ashley Williams who is fucking garbage but the main problem seems to be their organisation and lack of effort.  They've got a couple of youngsters in the side like Jonjo Kenny and Dominic Calvert Lewin and they need to senior players to step up to help them but none of the senior players did a thing. Chief amongst those was Morgan Schneiderlin who looked an absolute pale limitation of the player that left Saints to join Manchester United three years ago.  It's a shame and it wasn't one of the more predictable ones, but he's gone backwards as a footballer since he left Southampton.

The best laugh with Everton was that defence. Trying to play 70 minutes with 48-year-old Phil Jagielka as a kind of right back, the slow and shit Ashley Williams at centre back with the slow and extremely overrated Michael Keane and a right-footed 18-year-old at left back. If anything, you would have expected Williams and Keane to be decent in the air but the two goals that Austin scored both featured hilariously bad defending. On both goals the cross came in, Williams got caught under the ball and Keane didn't come across far enough or do anything at all so in both cases Charlie had a free header, Goal, thank you very much.

So it was a good day for Mauricio Pellegrino. Though I was a little unsure when I saw the team, you have to say that he got it right. He now has one of those nice problems in that he has a starting 11 putting in our best performance of the season and neither Romeu or Lemina were in it. Who plays and who gets left out? It was also interesting to see that we went to 3 at the back for the last 10 minutes when the game was already won. Maybe that was a little practice with the game at Manchester City coming up on Wednesday. That game is absolutely free hit as they have one all bar one of the games this season. Ironically, the only team that I've taken a pint of them are Everton.

We’re up to 10th in the league and it’s remarkable how much better everything seems.  Hopefully, the shocker at Liverpool had the desired effect to make everyone wake up. This was one we had to win and we did so happy days.  The almost inevitable defeat at City shouldn’t bring us down too much and so we’ll go into the next big game against the Dorset Powerhouses in good spirits.


 David Unsworth - Sorry, Wrong Fat Manager

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